Another Lifetime

Simply Submissive

2006-10-01T20:08:00.001-07:00

Simply Submissive...

More reading than writing.

Simply Submissive

2006-10-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Simply Submissive...

More reading than writing.

Marriage Sex v. Bachelorette Pad

2006-09-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

I do not seem to have the time I always want to write posts inspired by Figleaf's Real Adult Sex. You are more than Sex, you are thought provoking...which in turn is Sexy.

Now....Fig's recent post on Libido, housework, and who should get the bachelor pad , had some interesting points relating to Heterosexual Bed Death .

As I commented on his site, I hate stereotypes, especially when it comes to gender, sexuality and relationships.

So I agree, it is completely stereotypical to assume, or rationalize that women (those that "tend to want sex less 'often'") do so because of housework. Using my "abnormal" self as an example, I had the pleasure of both sides of the coin. I stayed home and cared for children full time and at other times I was in the workforce. Neither situation affected how often I wanted sex. Both, however, affected how often I could get sex.

Secondly, after being married to a man whose libido did dimish with time (due to housework, child rearing, working full time, depression, a nagging wife who initiates sex all the time, the moon, the stars, Bush, Katrina -- whatever!), yeah I had the same take when our marriage began to fall apart. He was home full time, I was working. So hey, since you're doing it already, I'll just go and let you continue doing what you were doing, which definitely isn't me.

Thank Goodness THAT Did Not Happen!

He was unwilling to let me have the bachelor pad AND he was unwilling to take one for himself. Rather preferring to try to keep us in a level of Dante's inferno of married and hating each other. Don't speak to one another, but sleep in the same bed (on account of no other place to sleep).

And like Fig, he "[fell] all over [himself] to be the primary caregiver" in the end when separation did happen. I did not let him. Why? Not because he couldn't. But because even though it took me a long time to accept, he was (still is) clinically depressed. Incapable of guiding and acting responsibly for his own life in the long run and therefore theirs. As many parents can be depressed and functionally take care of their children, that was his level of functioning. They deserved better.

So I cringe (with joy and pain) whenever I read of Fig's exploits as a full time caregiver to his children. Because he is capable, and is good, and loves it, for so did my own husband, yet in the end something was missing in him and from him (the husband). I feel as if I gave a blow to the stay at home dad race and I would never want to do that, but alas, I still feel like the bad guy and the unwoman all at once.

Couldn't win for losing. Still chasing the win.

Ruin - Part I

2006-09-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

Ruin my life. I hardly imagine that could be possible. What is the definition of "ruin"? Lives aren't ruined; they change through actions that leave a residue of consequence. So, if a life is to be ruined it is only to be changed forever. The only thing constant in life is change. If the definition of ruin is change, then all things are ruined over and over. Changing, morphing, evolving. My life, my loves, myself.

How is it that a person can convince themselves of an abstract ideology? Faith, the belief in a higher power, is one of those abstract ideologies. Something that cannot be scientifically proven, but just is, based on the convictions of the believer. As this is true for faith, and religions, and the God of your choosing, is it not also true for Love? For love is also something that cannot be scientifically proven, but just is, by the conviction of the believer. However, love, may be the most abstract ideology there is. Religion and God have eveidence and histories that, if not definitively, inconclusively support the faith of their believers. What evidence and histories do we possess that support our love for one another? As love is an element of life, it also is constantly changing, morphing, and evolving.

How do you love?

How do you distinguish between friendly love, familial love, romantic love and passionate love?

Marriage is based on love. Most obvious would be romantic love. But, are all the facades of love needed for a commitment to be made on a solid "foundation"? If all the pieces of the marriage love puzzle are not present, does that dictate the marriage will eventually crumbel due to its un-solidified foundation? All things are possible through love, right? A lacking foundation can be built up, repaired and supported, if necessary by the strengths of its solid features. Marriages that have lasted for many, many years could attest to that rationale. In other times and in other cultures, when marriages are arranged, the best possible hope for the betrothed was that love would eventually develop. Through kindness, respect and a general like for the other person at least one type of love could emerge. Their feelings could change, evolve and grow.

If for every action, there is an equal and opposite reactions, a marriage foundation would also be able to be weakened, broken and diminished by the weaknesses of its pieces. Bad marriages and divorce is the residue left behind after an unstable foundation.

How have we survived this long?

The casual answer is Love. The automatic answer is Love. The kind answer is Love. The real answer is "I don't know." The life that we have struggled so hard to create has taken its toll on both of us. He no longer is the creative artist/musician I met years ago. The man that finally knew he wnated more for his life. I no longer am the confident lady who wanted to be true to herself about all things. I am no longer the youth who was determined not to settle or to let those who didn't even know her dictate the course of her life. She was content to deal with the tediousness of cleaning up the residue of the consequences of her convictions.

We have changed, morphed, evolved into soemthing I did not forsee or want for my life.

Now, my eyes see us as roommates...co-workers. Something akin to the forbidden office affair where we would like to be more to each other, but the work of life has taken priority. As it stands, my life reflects the statement that: The raising of my children is the only thing that should be important to me. I seem to be the only one in this office who is fighting, begging, wanting a happiness that comes from something other than this work of Life. My wants and needs have changed, morphed, evolved.

The things that roll off my tongue when the subject of my marriage is brought up. Things that no longer have the emotion or total truth behind them as they once did.

"I love him completetly"
"He is a wonderful husband."
"We have been married before in past lifetimes."
"He would never cheat on me. If there is one thing I know for sure, that is it."
"I am happily married."
"He's the best I've ever had."
"If I didn't want to be with him for love, I wouldn't be with him."
"No, I would never cheat on him. I just wouldn't."

So, ruin my life. He could not ruin my life, only change it. And that, he has already done. The only unforseen outcome of our actions is to decide how we would go about the business of adapting to the consequences.

How will I change, morph, evolve?

{This essay was written at the onset of my inability to continue to endure the deterioration in my marriage.}

What THIS Girl Wants in Porn

2006-09-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

I was ever so delighted to peruse the blogosphere and find the topic had turned to PORN.

Figleaf wrote a post commenting on Waking Vixen's rundown of the realities of porn.

Waking Vixen took the time to put in out there what we all should logically know about porn. It is the same as any other film making and things happen and don't happen for very logical reasons.

Then there are individual preferences, such as illustrated by Fallen Girl. We all have them, in almost everything we do. And we know, at least most of us, that since the world does not revolve around us, it is, in my opinion a fruitless campaign to get the specific kind of porn we want made. Unless, as Fig suggested, we make our own.

With that being said, my awkward shout out to the sex bloggers that I read and inspire great thought within myself, I too would like to put my verbal 2 cents in.

I found it peculiar and rather predicatable that yet again my opinions are at opposite poles as other women. That's just me. Again.

I don't want ANY plot or dialogue in my porn. I don't watch porn to hear people talk, I watch it for one reason, to get off. Talking, doesn't do it for me where porn is concerned. The only talking I want to hear is dirty talk, nasty talk, obscene and degrading talk...during the fucking.

The Pornula. Hey, it works. At least I know when and where I usually want to fast forward. The only thing I do think would be better is a more natural flow between the actors. I shutter at having to face the reality that there is some guy telling them, move your ass this way, 3 more thrusts and then stop or move her hair out of the way. A good portion of the human population has great, erotic, hot sex and do just fine without any direction.

Audacia of Waking Vixen said that "The only good reason for some of the positions that show up in porn is that they are photogenic. A lot of sex positions aren’t." I actually would like to see some of those not so photogenic positions if the actors were in to it and still fucking the shit out of one another.

Eating Pussy. I could use less of this in my porn. You don't get to see the pussy, the woman rarely has an actual orgasm and the person doing the eating looks like they are not doing it properly to bring about an authentic orgasm. Which of course they can't because of the photogenic position factor.

So what is it for me? I like seeing the girl get fucked. Get fucked well. Take it well and all concerned are totally getting off.

I feel like I am similar to the average single guy when it comes to porn. I actually share (or fight over) porn with my younger single brother.

But, I was very pleased to find some of my kinks in line with another woman of the blogosphere, Jane of Fallen Girl Falling:

"I hate to say it, but I think I'd totally dig costume-drama porn. The eighteenth century had its libertines, corsets, and sodomy, and the nineteenth century had its cads, femmes fatales, flâneurs, whores, and absinthe. And laudenum. And corsets. And sodomy. I want period porn."

That would be awesome!

Orientation

2006-08-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

So, I consider myself bisexual. Can that or how does that change?

I've been sexually attracted to women (no childhood girl crushes on friends) ever since I was very young.

College became the all familiar experimental playground where I developed feelings for a friend or two. Also had my first taste of a woman(knew that tongue ring would come in handy)

Over the ensuing months I kept up my newfound learning, of myself and of women. I solidified what I had known since I was very young, that I was indeed bisexual.

Now my education in the womanly arts of the bisexual nature was interrupted by a heterosexual event, girl meets boy, boy likes girl, boy and girl fall in love and get married.

I then began to educate myself on the more traditional womanly arts of wifedom, motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding, home decorating, scrapbooking...etc.

Throughout my marriage, my bisexuality began to take a backseat. Besides the occasional porn flick, the re-telling of pre-marital experiences to get my husband hot, and checking out girls out and about, it was not present in my life in the literal sense.

Now in my newfound singledom, I have had the opportunity and the delicious experiences with women...

But...

although...

I love a woman eating my pussy, even if she's not phenominal. I love kissing a woman's beautiful, soft, plump lips. Running my fingers through her hair. The way she caresses my body, her nails running along my skin. Taking her heavy tits in my hands, bringing her nipples to my lips. Sucking...biting...licking.

Mmmm.

But...

When it comes down to, uh, going down on her...I'm just not that into it anymore.

Why?

Could it be because I have had an affinity for group sex lately, women are only part of the equation?

Or is it because I'm just in a phase of wanting dick?

Maybe I am just being very selfish and want to get served? I do have that right.

Or...

Possibly...

Perhaps...

Honestly...

Frankly...

No one else's pussy tastes as good as mine!

I DECLARE!

Seriously, its true.

Not their fault...and certainly not mine. My pussy tastes just like you'd want pussy to taste like.

Sweet. Sexy. Juicy.

My juices are flowing, light. So savory you'd think you could drink me up. You'd be worried that my very essence was draining from my body as I came in your mouth, squirting my cum down your throat.

My juices never dry up, I will quench your thirst yet you would beg for more.

Bring your snorkel because I will not prevent you from eating my pussy for hours...

I know

I taste so damn good!

Now kiss me...gimme some.

I'm Mobile

2006-08-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

I have officially joined the world of the mobile world. With a new razor and a new laptop.

Posts to follow.

Time

2006-08-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

God!

I've got to go to bed.

I never have time to write anything.

But laptop is coming soon. Will be more coming soon.

Dreamy Lover

2006-08-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever dreamed of a former lover?
Have you ever awakened with tears in your eyes?
Has your body ever ached for their touch?

All in the first few moments of awakening?

Because no matter how things began or how things ended, in that dream the affair was at its pinnacle.

And as you awaken and find yourself quite surprised that you dreamed of them you begin to remember.

Remember the way that his eyes said more than his mouth would allow.
Remember the way that no matter how wrong everything in your lives were at the time, when you were together...all was right.
Remember how the attitude he had as he went about the world make you feel safe.
Remember how he wanted the affection you so badly needed to give.
Remember how you poured out your emotions in volumes upon volumes of love letters.
Remember how he validated those feelings.

Remember how when he wanted you, loved you and was with you he made you feel on top of the world.

Remember how when he pulled away, pushed you away it made you feel crushed beneath the earth.

Remember how brief the affair was. How it started as a fantastical, swift climb up the mountain, yet it tumbled down into the valley twice as fast.

Remember how you tried to get it back. Conjour life back into the ashes. And yet it never worked.

Remember coming to the realization that he would not feel the same for you and he actually couldn't make you feel the same for him.

Have you ever dreamed of a former lover?

Of Use - Part I

2006-08-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

The thrill of the compliments,

The thrill of the flattery,

The thrill of the interest,

The thrill of the pursuit.

When men are first attracted to me, this is how I feel…a thrill.

The shock of the realization,

The acceptance of the realization,

The build up of self-esteem through this realization.

They insist that there exists every reason for their interest in me; I then come to that realization.

I relax into a sense of confidence and graciously accept the compliment.

Yet all those feelings quickly fade.

They take in the thrill of gazing upon my physique as they dole out compliments.

They take in the thrill of the eliciting a blush under my skin with their flattery.

They take in the thrill of my interest in them as a direct result of their interest in me.

They take in the thrill of the pursuit as I put on my best “interested but trying to play hard to get” game.

To the men that are “attracted” to me, I am of use.

They use me for their fancy.

They use me for their fantasies as they jerk off to my image in their head performing a one act play.

They use me as amusement in IM chats to keep boredom at bay.

They use me as their anti-wife/girlfriend/lover.

They use me to get introduced to things they could never think of on their own.

To them, I am

Of Use

Not So Secret Admirers

2006-08-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

Most women are flattered by having admirers whether they are in a relationship or not. I am certainly no exception. However, in my newfound singledom I approach the subject perhaps a bit unconventionally.

(Ok not that I have a ton of men (or women) fawning over me, just my experiences)

I compartmentalize admirers into 3 categories.

1. The Looker. This type of admirer is one you come into contact with on a regular basis. They speak pleasant "Hello's" and "How are you's?" That's it. But the way they look, their eyes lingering, let you know that they are an admirer. Even the tone of their voice when they speak says more than they are actually saying Yet, nothing else is ever said or done to make a move or solidfy the admirer's feelings.

This type of admirer is cool. They give me an little extra pep in my step and give me second thoughts when I am about to run out the door with no make-up and a raggety outfit on. It helps me take the extra time I should in the morning. It's cool.

2. The Frog with No Legs. This type of admirer has already been The Looker. Now they have gone one step further with inuendo. Little sly comments that may be appropriate or inappropriate that catch you off guard. And since The Frog with No Legs use to be The Looker, you think it harmless and don't really respond or react except with an uncomfortable, confused or pleasantly surprised smile. But soon you realize that this admirer is no Looker. He's croaking at you every chance he gets. Every time he sees you, you can count on something out of the way coming out of his mouth. You are not quite sure exactly what all this talk is about or what the Frog expects your reaction to be. After a while this becomes increasingly irritating because the Frog has a lot to say but no action behind it.

As I said, increasingly irritating. If your feeling Froggy...Jump! Or move on to the next lily pad. Don't keep saying this and that to me for weeks on end. Admittedly, I am use to things moving very fast. And I do know that a little more time and patience may help me go a long way in the relationship department. But I much rather prefer a steady progression than a stalemate. A Frog with No Legs or A Man with No Balls. Same difference. If you like me and want to get to know me, talk to me. If you want to call me, ask for my number. If you want to email me, get my address. If you want to fuck, proposition me.

3. The Friend. This is a new one to me. This type of admirer finds most of your qualities (that they know of) attractive and generally like you. They have no agenda other than getting to know you and being friends. Even if they find you attractive and may have fantasized about you in compromising positions. They lay all their cards out on the table. They tell you all of the things mentioned above up front. Furthermore, the Friend proceeds to develop a friendship with you through conversation and is not put off by your skepticism of their intentions, but point blanck assure you of their intentions and their lack of agenda.

This is the only type of admirer that scares me. Because I don't know how to deal with them. I am not use to such sincerity and an interest in who I am. Most times I try to hide who I really am from people. I do not want others to see what is really inside. For fear that I myself may not want to see. The nicer someone is to me, the more I like them and start letting down walls. But the more vulnerable I will feel and the more I will expect the Friend to take care and responsibilty being let in to my true self. If we are just to be friends, it is not good that your sincere interest in me starts to give me warm and fuzzy feelings. I should stay on guard and not get so relaxed with the Friend. But it's kinda hard not to.

So to thwart their sincere interest and to halt an actual friendship from developing, normally I would sabotage it. Build up the walls again and toss a bone. I will bait them with my sexuality and if they take the bait, most men can only hold off for so long, then can say, "I told you so," and move on.

Currently, I have all three types of admirers in my life. But my Friend is the only one that inspired me to write this post. And because I know of my pitfalls and nuances, I will do my best to not sabotage a developing friendship.

Is this the Bargaining Stage or Do I Really Believe There Is Another Chance?

2006-08-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

UPDATE: Yes this was the bargaining stage. I returned one step back to anger a few days later and let loose on him. Then I re-thought everything and just decided to start letting go and focusing on what is really important, the kids. Therefore any smoothing over and mending of a relationship between he and I is to be co-parents, for their sake. For that I will continue to try to build that kind of a relationship with him.

Slient Child Library

2006-08-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

If I have posted a link to your blog to the right, it is only because I intensely admire and enjoy your blog. Many of which I have enjoyed for well over a year.

For all others: Another Lifetime may or may not contain the same subject matter as those referred to in the Silent Child Library.

Third Times A Charm

2006-08-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well I certainly hope so.

This is my 3rd blogging attempt.

All of which ended in disaster.

Here's to lessons learned.

1. Anonymity. I'm not sure how to fool-proof this aspect, but I have tried my best this time. Without becoming so anonymous that I forget my own password or how to gain access to my own blog.

2. Protecting the Innocent. Composing in such a way that people, places and events cannot be deciphered to direct to my identity.

3. Purpose. To utilize this outlet for all that it can serve. An outlet for my feelings and thoughts that I currently have no one IRL to be completely open, honest, raw & hypocritical. And to appreciate the connections found in this blogosphere, many of which I had found before.

4. Announcement. It has been a long while since I have lingered in the blogosphere. I will try to reconnect with those I had found before and will divulge my identity through private email to those that wish to know, only if I have known you in a previous blog life. Until I find my "voice" and the melody to my thoughts, bear with me. And until I get my pseudo-designing skills back any help others may offer in design or template issues I would be grateful.

I've Got A Lot of Work Ahead of Me

2006-08-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	High
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Medium

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com